How to Deal with Possessiveness in Relationships

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“Possessiveness’ with ‘love’ is dangerous as ‘match’ with ‘stick’. It can burn all whatever you have”

– Manish Bansal

The feeling of being protected by your loved one can be endearing and blissful but when it crosses from protection to possessiveness, then it becomes choking. Imagine your partner telling you “you mustn’t hang out with your friends today” it will raise the feelings of restriction. Some people are too possessive of their partner. They smolder them consciously or unconsciously preventing their partner from displaying his/her real self.

When the issue of possessiveness is brought up, many rush to crucify men as the possessive ones but in truth, both men and women can be possessive. People that are possessive are very jealous. Tidbits of jealousy can be romantic because it sometimes shows that your partner cares about you, but when it becomes too much, it threatens the health of the relationship. Possessive people are the ones that will be jealous because the bike man told their girlfriend “Thank you for the change” or because the waitress at the bar smiled at their boyfriend. They tend to be in their partner’s personal space and desire to be around their partner every second of the day. They can be also controlling and insist on choosing their partner’s friends and how much time to spend with family and friends, some even go the extra mile to stalk their partner. They can be so manipulative and must be appeased because they are always right.

Possessive people are battling with underlying issues primary of which is fear. Fear is one of the most destructive of emotions. It is the emotion that is responsible for sparks flying out of your head because you think your girlfriend is shaking a fine guy’s hand for “too long”. Fear of losing of a lover to either death or another person drives and pushes a person to be very possessive. Asides fear, insecurities such of low self esteem, poor outlook of life, the “I can’t be loved theory” amongst others fuel the feelings of possessiveness. Lack of having our own life contribute in no small measure to possessiveness, that is why some people instead of thinking about or planning their lives, they will be curious about their partner’s whereabouts every second of the day. Their growing up days and past experiences also play a significant roles in their possessiveness. When partners don’t trust each other is breeds possessiveness.

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If you find out that you are a possessive person, and you want to change, here are tips that can help

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you be a better spouse/ boyfriend :

I. You should Love You

Love your self, love who you are. Do away with self doubts, self hatred, and other self damaging ideologies. You are a beautiful creature with abundance of talents, gifts and potentials, never look down on your self. Be proud of who you are and always strive to be a better version of your self. Let your happiness depend on you not anybody else, you are responsible for your happiness, take charge of that responsibility. Also invest in yourself, develop your passion, develop your dreams.

II. Kill your Fears and Anxiety

Murder your fears and anxiety. Don’t let fear rule your relationship. Always remember that there was something special about you that made your partner choose to be with you. Stay calm and avoid being controlling or manipulative because you want to keep your partner at your side at all times.

III. Live your life

Live your life, your life shouldn’t start and end with your partner. You had life before you met him or her, it shouldn’t stop because you have a lover. Engage in things that excite you and build you. This will make you to be more interesting to your partner at the same time, you haven’t the time to stalk her or him. Ensure you give yourselves space to breath, to live. You should not want your partner to be at your side at all times, let him or her live, fulfill their dreams and have friends.

IV. Run away from Jealousy

Reduce your jealousy to the barest mininum. Trust her to be where she says she is, trust him when he says he is drinking with friends. Don’t be suspicious of everyone and everything, give him or her the benefit of doubt at every point in time.

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V. Talk about it

Talk to your self about your possessive attitude, silence those inner critic as it is called, that threatens to undo you by its probing into your lover and your self. Talk to your partner about these issues and together you can solve the problem.

VI. Respect each other’s privacy

Avoid go through his phone, going through her texts, stalking weirdly on social media. Avoid being snoopy. Respect each other’s privacy. If it’s very important to her, she will share that thing with you. If he wants you to see what he is working on, you will see it. Always trust your partner to be open with you as you should be open with you.

VII. Don’t be controlling

You are not the president of your relationship, a relationship is between two of people that love each other and there are no superiors in dating. Do not have an overbearing attitude. Be vulnerable with your partner, let her know you are not a beast. Let him know that you are not a monster. Relate as equals and know your roles in the relationships.

VIII. Let the past be

Whatever happened to you in the past, the pains, the trials ,they belong to the past, don’t judge your new partner with the scale of the old one. The past can’t hurt you anymore, let it go.

IX. Your partner is Imperfectly Perfect

Your partner is not perfect and that is a good thing, don’t go trying to change who your partner is. Try to help your partner be a better version of himself or herself. Stop trying to force your ideologies or views on him or her.

X. Be friends with each other’s friends

Get to know each other’s friends, to put your mind at ease. Hangout some times too. It helps ease the feelings of suspicions and you may even make new friends.

Relationship can only survive if both parties work together as a team and allow and help each other grow, possessiveness smother growth. Don’t be possessive, it hurts not only your relationship but you too. This has been Relationship Corner with Eddie Schwaggs



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Eddie Andy is a writer who covers relationships, relationship issues, in the form of poetry, prose (story) and articles. You can reach out to him at [email protected]

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